A letter to… my estranged adult children
miss you both terribly, and my heart swells and aches when I think of you – and I do think of you, daily. I wish there was a way to make everything right and that we could get back to how we used to be. I believe I was closer to you than your mum. But I know that even if we did manage to salvage the relationship, it would never be the same.
It has been 10 years since I walked out on your mother. It is totally my fault that the marriage failed and that I met someone else. I had never had an affair before, and never wanted or looked for one, but somehow got caught in the headlights.
Everyone blamed me, and I took the blame with shoulders square. You were both obviously very hurt by it all, and just at a time when you were at university. Although I take the blame, I still don’t understand why you won’t have any contact with me. Many people divorce and still have contact with their children. Some people commit murder, yet still have contact with their children.
I have written to you countless times without reply. A hard task, really, because, without any replies, the letters can be only about me and my life. I don’t even know if you read them, but I shall continue to write.
I don’t think either of you understand what happened in the relationship between your mum and me. On the surface, it all looked cosy – love and roses. That was not the case. We didn’t share any interests, and once you two had grown up, that became even more evident.
Your mum wanted someone different from me. She wanted the exciting bad lad many teenage girls are attracted to, even though she was in her 40s. And she was still smitten with her first love – which wasn’t me.
I also wanted something different; someone different. I felt stifled, unloved, there only to provide an income. Eventually, I just had to leave.
Ten years on, and I am married to the lady I had an affair with; I’m poorer financially, but happy. I hope you are both happy as well. I know you have partners, have bought your own homes, and have children and careers. I hope my grandchildren will not grow up thinking I am a bad person, not to be spoken of. I hope that one day that you will understand.
My love to you both, for ever.